Okay, we can’t be the only ones trying to watch these playoff games and miss the first four innings because we can’t figure out what channel the thing is on (Yes, we’re being dramatic.). When we were kids, ya turned on Channel 7 and watched the game. Didn’t matter who was playing. If you knew the time that it started, you could watch it. And that was the case for all of them. Now you have to investigate the deep web just to figure it out because The 1% don’t want average people to watch America’s Game anymore.
For that reason, we have built you a handy dandy little guide on how to figure what channel to set the tube to for tonight’s game. Ready? Here we go:
Step 1: Turn on the TV and realize you don’t know what channel to turn to. But that’s okay. Just keep listening to me, my student. Turn over your remote. Take the batteries out. If you see a little spring in that compartment, move on to step 2. If not, all hope is lost for you. No baseball today, young one.
Step 2: Put your TV on full volume. Let it stay all the way at its max for at least 2 minutes. Okay, now mute it. Are your ears ringing? Have you possibly gone deaf? Ha! I love pranks! Go to Step 3.
Start studying, buddy!
Step 3: This is where things start to become clearer. Think of the last time you had Mexican food. Did you go with the tacos or the burritos? If you chose tacos, skip to step 5. If you chose the burrito, head to step 4.
Step 4: Are you out of your mind!? Never, ever, EVER pass on tacos for any other option. Don’t get us wrong; burritos are outstanding. But nothing rivals tacos, you silly human being (if I can even call you that. You disgust me.). Join your friends at Step 5 and remember our taco-based advice.
Am I the only one that hears Barry Manilow?
Step 5: You obviously know that tacos are the best choice (always) and deserve to know what channel tonight’s game is on. For Step 5, go ahead and reach over and find your TV Guide on your coffee table…What do you mean you don’t have a TV Guide? Everyone has a TV Guide, my grandma said so…Oh, no, I forgot. Grandma thinks it’s 1994 still. Carry on to Step 6.
Step 6: Alright, this is the part where we check the calendar. On Wednesdays, Fridays, Tuesdays, and Stunderdays, the formula is to take the amount of letters in each team’s name and divide it into the amount of innings that got played during this regular season. Then, you take the remainder and subtract the difference between Jose Altuve’s batting average and Bartolo Colon’s Body Mass Index score. If the number turns out even, it might be on TBS. But it also might be on FS1, MLB Network, ABC, Cartoon Network, or Comedy Central. So, if this tactic doesn’t work, move on to Step 7.
It's on one of these. We promise.
Step 7: At this point, you must take an Encyclopedia Britannica and…
Son of a…! Okay, pay no mind to anything I just said. Apparently, if you the MLB app, you can just see it on the “Postseason” tab. If not, you can pull up mlb.com and see what channel it says there. Why did nobody tell me this before?! I got so flustered when there were like eight different channels on the first day of the playoffs and have been confused ever since! Why didn’t my friends tell me when they could have helped in my time of need? (“What friends?” says everyone.) I HEARD THAT!