A Day in the Life (We Hope): Bartolo Colon

Rising from between the sheets (of course, over 1000 in thread count) of the guest bed in his third winter home in as many years, Bartolo laughs to himself remembering the two winter homes he owned prior to this one. They had been lovely estates, full of fond memories – until the Special Forces units had broken in all the windows, laying siege to each of the houses, respectively. Of course, Colon eventually fought off every last attacker but the damage had been done and his location had been blown; purchasing a new summer home using his spare change cup would have to be done soon. He never had figured out which of his archenemies sent the battalion in ’15, now that he thought about it…

Sitting on the edge of his bed, King Bart (as some know him in a distant land) looks out over the Da Vinci Sea (as Bartolo named it for his favorite historical figure when he discovered it) through his second story patio’s entryway and takes in a deep breath of the salty air. The Spanish style of home had always had its appeal to Colon and he was finally glad to have one of his own. The serenity of the moment is not lost on our protagonist as he declares to himself “Magnifico faciam hodie” (translated: I will make today magnificent) as he does every morning.

Now standing, Bartolo Colon stretches his athletic frame and asks his virtual assistant (you know, like an Alexa or Siri…but better…because Bartolo Colon) for his morning schedule. Ah, yes, he is to have breakfast with The Most Interesting Man in the World. The pair always have delightful conversations, always ending with a toast to their mutual mentor, James Herbert Bond. (You may know him as 007.)

Morning comes and goes and Agent Colon must return to the latter part of today’s agenda. It will be a light day (and night and day again) it appears. Just two items, although the second may turn out to be a bear…

Were this to be the baseball season, Bartolo would be reporting to a field somewhere in the United States of America. But, thankfully for our interested reader, it is December and not a baseball in sight. This is the season where Agent Colon can shed his professional athlete’s façade and assume his role with the SSO (or Super Secret Organization). As their top agent, he must spend half the year putting on a ruse as a baseball player, both to allow time for the world’s black market villains to lose his trail and to simply decompress from his life’s more stressful adventures and duties.

Anyhow, rather than the stadium, Agent Colon reports to the airstrip this afternoon and boards the SSO’s private jet which is assigned to him. During the flight, Colon receives his debriefing. This one is routine as ever for Bartolo. Just a simple smash, grab, get the warlord’s wife’s number, and execute in Somalia. Truly, nothing to break a sweat over. The operation is even being conducted in the day, although today’s victim won’t even know what hit him, just like how the batters react to a Bartolo Colon fastball.

After the operation, he returns to his jet (without a scratch, of course) to prepare for the second mission assigned for the day. Now, this one could be tricky, seeing as Commissioner Manfred is not only pure evil – but, also, quite smart. The run of the mill super-nemesis that Agent Bartolo encounters most days can be handled pretty easily most of the time. But Mr. Manfred is much different.

You see, in the criminal underworld, most only know him as “The Commish.” He is not only the source of all the world’s smaller annoyances (i.e. Question: Why won’t they just make the peanut butter container a shape so that I can reach the bottom easier? Answer: The Commish.) but also major global issues. (i.e. Question: Why is there world hunger? Answer: The Commish.) To this point, the SSO has only had moderate success in containing Commissioner Manfred’s plotting – but today shows promise towards creating a huge dent in his plans. Even the greatest supervillains of all time had their weaknesses and Commissioner Manfred certainly has one “gap” that the SSO has been looking to take advantage of for years…

Following the specifications of his debriefing to the cross on the last ‘t,’ Agent Colon begins his infiltration of Commissioner Manfred’s compound. These are the best guards that money can buy?, ponders Colon as he roundhouse kicks the seventh straight sentry in four seconds. No matter. I guess I was sort of hoping for a challenge, though. Oh, Bartolo, even you know you will never break a sweat.

Beating the projections laid out in the briefing, Agent Colon comes climbing through The Commish’s window four minutes early. Is that…A leftover pastry from The Commish’s dessert? Looks like we know how that four minutes is being spent…

Now, Colon is back in rhythm with the rest of his SSO teammates. Slinking as stealthily as a man of much smaller frame over to the edge of the sleeping Commissioner’s bedside, Colon spots his target. The “gap” that we mentioned before. The chink in the armor. The hole in the defenses. Specifically, the gap in The Commish’s teeth.

Catlike, Colon reaches into his slim belt line for the custom built tool for this mission. To describe it, Bartolo would tell you it is basically a miniature wire hanger with a sticky, 4 nanometer wide microphone on the end of it. He can slip the mic into the gap of Commissioner Manfred’s teeth and stick it onto the back of one of his molars with this fishhook-ish device. Agent Colon is a humble man, you know, so his description of the device fits that bill. The contraption he is now using is much more than that, even if its basics can be described that way. What a great guy.

Anyway, with no trouble whatsoever, Agent Bartolo Colon slides his hook-and-mic into the gaping chasm between The Commish’s two front teeth and taps the microphone onto its new home undetected. Silent as the crypt, Colon exits, always invisible, never observed.

Perfectly on time, the guards wake just as Colon leaves the premises. Bartolo has become quite good at controlling his power (he does sit at 87 mph, right?) so he knows just how hard he needs to hit each man to keep him out for the appropriate amount of time.

As Colon boards the chopper to get away from The Commish’s compound, he can’t help but wonder how none of the mission’s possible difficulties that were described in the debriefing never came to fruition. Have his spy skills grown this much over the years? Or was he missing something?…

With Bartolo safely headed the opposite direction, Commissioner Manfred leans onto his elbow and smiles, chuckling out the window. “Bartolo, you sly dog. I knew you were more than you appeared to be when you were putting up Cy Young-worthy numbers throwing 90% fastballs at 86 to 89. No matter, I have had to deal with your kind before…”

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